Grief and Learning to Live Without My Twin

Grief has a strange way of teaching you, even when you don’t want the lesson. It cannot be avoided or rescheduled. Losing my twin reminds me just how quickly life can change.

I haven’t outgrown my grief. I'm slowly learning how to live with it. It isn’t lighter, but I understand myself more now. The wound hasn't disappeared, but it has changed how I survive. 

Healing isn’t about avoiding the pain, or controlling your emotions. It’s about allowing the feelings to come and trusting that you can sit with them. It’s about knowing that grief exists because you loved and that existed.

Losing my twin has taught me how to live with her absence. Our bond didn’t end with her death – it has simply changed shape. Weeks before she passed away, I tried to prepare myself. I thought if I was strong enough emotionally, it would soften the impact. I was wrong.

Grief doesn’t follow plans. It appears in the quiet moments, when life slows just enough for our memories to surface.

Even now, grief still teaches me. I haven’t moved on – I’ve moved forward while carrying it. Time hasn’t erased the pain. Motivation is slow, grief has taught me how to hold it differently.

Mental health isn’t the absence of suffering. Some days, my resilience looks like survival. And some days, it's choosing to go with the flow, other days it's me struggling to put one foot in front of the other. 

Although my life without her is forever changed, it isn’t over. I'm still learning quietly, to sit with my emotions.

Ilana Estelle is a mental health and wellbeing advocate who combines educational insight with her personal experience of living with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities. She holds diplomas in Counselling, Diet and Nutrition, Nutritional Therapy, Psychotherapy and Counselling, and Stress Management. Through her writing, Ilana supports others in navigating their emotional, mental, and physical health challenges. In addition to writing for The CP Diary, her work has appeared in healthy lifestyle magazines. Ilana is also the author of three books: Cerebral Palsy: A Story – Finding the Calm After the Storm, Spirituality, Healing and Me, and Survival: The Covid Years – Time for Change.

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