Imagine being born with something you don’t know you have. The muscle tone on one side of your body is under-developed and you are stared at because you walk with a limp. You have a foot that doesn’t look the same as the other foot, that you much later learn is a ‘drop foot.’ You have one leg shorter than the other and as a result you walk toe heel, not heal toe. And your arm is weaker on that same side.

Heel raise

Imagine being under the care of a paediatrician, and as a result of your leg length difference, you’re told that you have to have a heel raise on your shoe to accommodate the leg length difference and you have no understanding why, because nothing is said; but you only know what you can see and you don’t understand.

School

Imagine also, then as a child attending school and 'not getting school,' and while children don’t always get school initially and they may peak at different times to their siblings and classmates, through maturity, they begin to understand school and as a result they actively take part and then excel with all the support mechanisms in place. That didn't happen for me.

Cerebral Palsy and Autism

Imagine the trauma and stress you go through just to survive and you later learn the reason why; later learning in your forties you have cerebral palsy and then 10 years later, you find out through further testing that you in fact grew up with a mental and emotional disability in the form of autism and that is the reason you failed in school and everyone at the time thought you were stupid, because your poor grades matched your capabilities; and everyone put that down to you just being incapable, not incapable because you deal with something like a mental disability. Yes, imagine.

Living ‘a lie’

Imagine also, you find out you had been diagnosed with a disability at the age of 2 and the life you’ve lived is a lie and the lie continues, and you then uncover and discover the truth yourself. Fast-forward and then fast-forward again, you uncover all the facts; the truth and you’re left with a jigsaw that finally has all the pieces, but it has left you emotionally drained and reeling at the same time and you still have no support. Yes, imagine. My whole life has been and continues to be a lie; none of my own doing or making.

All of this could have been avoided

Imagine also, that much of your stress attributable to ‘not knowing’ could have been avoided, and with the emotional and mental support in place throughout, you could have functioned in what would be normal for you.

That didn’t happen, all of this is true; and fast forward to now. It’s not surprising then, I’m still struggling to comprehend what’s happened and I’m still here with the mess. I don’t blame the universe, it wasn’t in a position to help me, but it has catapulted me into being able to write; so that I don’t have to live my life in the dark anymore.

My writing softens the blow

My writing softens the blow, but it doesn’t take away my pain; the pain that I’ve had to endure. My physical, physiological, mental and emotional struggles through my disability aren’t always evident in daily life; enough for others to see, for them to give me the sympathy; the empathy, tolerance, patience or compassion. It’s not like a broken leg.

Losing my twin

And although losing my twin is not the same as what I was made to live through; it is all traumatic. I have no idea how I’ve managed to mentally keep everything together. Now I have no idea how the other half of my life is going to shape up without my twin. I have had nothing and I am still working everything out for myself.

My writing serves as a coping mechanism

My writing serves as a coping mechanism and a means of expression. Through my words, not only validate my own experiences but also offer insight and solidarity to those who may be facing similar struggles.

My writing keeps things real

My writing keeps things real. I’m honest, open and transparent if nothing else; as I continue to bring truth and meaning to my words; not just for me. Through 14 years of writing, my topics are varied. My words and writing is universal, everyone can if they want to place my words, and it fit into their life, with what they deal with.

I am happy to share my journey

I am happy to share my journey and writing with others. I hope my words have the power to inspire and uplift, serving as a reminder that even in the face of adversity, there is strength in vulnerability and beauty in resilience.

If there is something out there that’s affecting ‘my mental health’ you’ll find me writing about it on my blog. My writing keeps my thoughts alive. I hope you will continue to read.