If you’ve experienced trauma or neglect over years or decades, you will understand when you hear someone say, 'you are supposed to forgive the perpetrator, but you've not quite forgiven.'
Being 'Guilt Tripped'
You may forgive because you've been guilt tripped by family into thinking it's the right thing to do. You're afraid others may think you're unkind or bad if you don’t, but not forgiving someone has nothing to do with you being unkind, or bad.
Not Everyone deserves Forgiveness
Not everyone who experiences trauma or neglect will feel that forgiveness is necessary—or deserved. Some will choose to forgive, while others will not, and that’s okay. What matters is that you follow what feels right for you, not what family or society expects, and not to ease someone else’s conscience.
We Appease Family
With family, we often keep the peace because it feels easier, but appeasement doesn’t undo the past or heal a fractured relationship. Accepting that some circumstances may never change can make it easier to let go. Understanding the motives behind actions can help us process our feelings, but forgiveness is not always the answer. To forgive is to excuse the deed – and some deeds are simply beyond forgiveness.
Our Understanding Unburdens Us
It is our understanding of abuse that unburdens us. We shouldn't feel burdened, instead we should feel empowered that we've come through the other end with explanations of our experiences, in a way that allows us the freedom to choose whether we forgive.
The perpetrator may not always stop wilful abuse, it’s their circumstances that usually changes that may stop the abuse. It’s okay not to forgive and you can still heal.
You don’t have to forgive to move on. It is our understanding that allows us to move on.
I completely agree that its okay not to forgive. For some people, forgiveness is the only way to move on, but I don't believe it is mandatory.
It depends on the person and how they cope. Sometimes finding a place for the hurt is enough.
Yes, there are a few issues here. It boils down to the deed and how long that deed has been allowed to continue. I also think it depends on the person and how wilful that person was in implementing the deed.
It's harder to forgive someone when you know they don't deserve forgiveness. Those who do forgive, tend to believe in something greater than themselves, and take the deed out of the equation altogether.
I work differently. I weigh everything up, including the person behind the deed so that I'm looking at the bigger picture from every angle and that helps me decide.
It's not about forgiveness. You can forgive and still not find peace. It's about understanding and making an informed choice from your understanding.
Once you've made your decision, if you decide not to forgive it's something you can quite happily live with.