Growing up without understanding why things felt off or didn’t look right, while navigating an undiagnosed disability, was an unnecessary struggle. Living with heightened sensory issues that fed into constant anxiety, without knowing the cause, only made things harder. Forgiveness isn’t always the answer – especially when the challenges we face could have been avoided. When something is done with intent, it becomes much harder to excuse.

Sensory issues

It was unsettling to experience anxiety and panic without understanding why—especially when things didn’t look or feel right. Those who should have offered guidance and protection fell short, leaving me to navigate the unknown alone. Facing uncertainty for decades was never something I expected, but it became my reality.

My School Struggles

The biggest travesty was being left to struggle in school when as a small child one of my consultants had already highlighted a learning deficit as a potential problem, and no one did anything about it. Each day I struggled to go back into school – to fail.

There is No Excuse for anyone's Trauma or Neglect

The one thing my experiences have taught me is that there is no excuse for putting me through trauma and neglect. Parents have to want to care. Whilst I was never in a position to correct anything, as a parent, I have done things differently. My children have had emotional support throughout their lives.

And whilst I cannot change my past, my experiences continued to shape how I coped. No child should ever have to scramble in the dark, let alone a child with a disability and learning difficulties she didn't know she had.

Ilana Estelle is a mental health and wellbeing advocate who combines educational insight with her personal experience of living with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities. She holds diplomas in Counselling, Diet and Nutrition, Nutritional Therapy, Psychotherapy and Counselling, and Stress Management. Through her writing, Ilana supports others in navigating their emotional, mental, and physical health challenges. In addition to writing for The CP Diary, her work has appeared in healthy lifestyle magazines. Ilana is also the author of three books: Cerebral Palsy: A Story – Finding the Calm After the Storm, Spirituality, Healing and Me, and Survival: The Covid Years – Time for Change.

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2 comments on “Scrambling in the Dark”

  1. No child should ever have to suffer through the things we did, especially when there no reason to. We didn't have a say, which wasn't fair.

    People often talk about what fantastic childhoods they had and I can't relate, since mine was rather horrific. We grew up in a time when kids like us fell through the cracks, while nowadays they would be more likely to catch on to our issues and help us to deal with them.

    It would have been great to have had an actual support system as a child, but that didn't happen. Now I just have to make time to do my best and not waste any more time, focusing on the things I can't change.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, I think it depends on the parents and the upbringing.

      I'm just pleased we've both come through the other end of having to scramble through the dark to tell a tale or two.

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