Whenever anyone withholds information from someone, it's usually because it suits them not to know, because that way they don't have to deal with it, but that will always bring a different thinking from us.
What that tells us is they would have to come out of their comfort zone to impart that information, but they also have a problem with themselves. I knew I had a leg and foot that didn't work right and I that I struggled in school, but everything else I've had to work out myself.
What our parents choose to do is for them to reconcile, that's not up to us. We tend to have to work our lives accordingly and somehow fit in. How do I feel now? Numb and disbelief would be the perfect adjectives to use.
Luckily, I don't see myself as being disabled, or a person with special needs, although I do have moments where it's clear to myself I am mentally struggling. To the untrained eye I look and behave normally.
Perhaps being ignored and having to learn to fit in and adapt the best I can has taught me how to function. Where the emotional help isn't forthcoming, we should learn quickly. My spiritual beliefs were protecting me, even back then.
Although difficult at times, I tried to hold on to the belief that somehow my life would change and I would get my diagnosis.
Learning to adapt was pretty much the motto for my childhood, seeing as we had to do it or we wouldn't have survived.
The biggest problem with that was that nobody showed us how to do things so we were pretty much on our own, even with our parents being right there.
They didn't really teach us much of anything, other than how to always run away from our problems rather than ever facing them. My Mom had extreme mental health issues and my dad was an alcoholic, so we were kind of screwed from the beginning.
Most of what I ever learned about life came from comic books, so I at least had some idea of what was 'right' or 'wrong' even as much as my parents wanted me to think otherwise.
I'm having to learn now what I didn't back then, which I'm hoping will allow me to do a lot more than just survive and/or exist.
You can do it Randy. I believe in you. Your mother has given you 'a how not to do list.' As children we learn very early on what isn't right.
I think you're aware and can do a lot more than just survive now. I really want that for you. As you say you had an idea of what was 'right' and 'wrong,' back then.
This is why I think you can make the transition.
You have handled lies and deceit well Ilana, and now you write to evolve.
Your way of putting distance between you and a disturbing past.
Thanks Tim. This is why the Diary works. I never actually thought about what I do in that way, but it's enormously helpful for me to read and understand that this is what I'm doing.
It's comforting to know that the more I write, the more I put distance between me and my experiences. We support each other through our journey on the site and I love that.