Growing up with something I didn’t know I had, meant I carried guilt, guilt that had no where to go. Without knowing the full picture, I am unpacking the guilt, as it's not my guilt to carry. With no accountability or responsibility, I felt guilt for not pushing myself harder, guilty for staying quiet and not asking questions, not looking or asking for help, even when it was clear to me and my teachers, I struggled. I was a child, I could never have avoided the pain I went through, but knowing earlier with the support – meant some of my struggles could have lessened.
Taking a Self-Compassionate Stance
I was continually blaming myself for not knowing or being able to work things out. That’s not fair. I was doing my best with what I had. With no support I wasn’t lazy, or in denial – I was surviving. And that matters. This is exactly what I write.
My Inner Child
My inner child has always known it wasn't in denial, it wasn't weak – and to this day, it still continues to say "this isn't your fault." I coped the only way I could. Although, what I had to deal with got me here to where I have answers – it's come way too late, but those answers are not nothing. Now I know I don’t have to stay stuck or live with the guilt. It's not my guilt to carry, it's others guilt to carry.
It was clear the struggles were there
Looking back, it was clear in school I was struggling – it was there in black and white. Initially my struggles were raised by my teachers, but then it was ignored. At home, nothing was acknowledged. That silence continually shaped how others saw and what they thought of me. Teachers and peers eventually drew their own conclusions. It wasn't pretty. Some thought me lazy, some thought I didn’t care, others assumed I wasn’t capable. But I was trying. The reality was I never stopped, although there were moments when it became all too consuming and I switched off. The pressure was always there, made worse because comparisons with my twin were always being made.
What I’m Feeling Now
I needed to understand, to let go of the life I struggled with – around something I didn't know I had, but as a child I didn't equate or understand anything, only what I could physically see. I've had to take a crash course, to work things out. I knew I struggled but didn’t have a name for it. When I look back now, it's not my concern. While opportunities for acknowledgment are no longer possible, the absence of responsibility continues to have an impact on me. Finding a way to move forward on what I know, remains an ongoing process and a challenge.
Conclusion
Now this guilt I have carried over the years just needs to be heard. Giving it space means helps me to make room for other thoughts. I am proud of what I have become and for what I have managed to achieved. This is not my guilt.
Guilt is most of what I'm feeling for not doing the things I should have but I didn't know any better. My Mother expected me to take care of her, when I was supposed to be the child, and nothing I ever did seemed to make her happy.
She destroyed me in ways that I still have a hard time thinking about. They were never concerned about my issues, so in some ways, I relate. I'm beyond exhausted of dealing with this for most of my life and find it very difficult to not want to just give up.
I have no idea of what may come next but don't really think it's going to be anything good. I hope for better days, hopefully very soon.
Sorry to hear. Thanks Randy. I think that's the thing, we don't know any better until we start to grow, understand and take stock of our lives.
You can't change what's happened, but you can change what you do from here, so you are able to forge out a better path and future, letting go of the guilt.
It's not yours to carry.