"I continually live and deal with anxiety because I have autism. The anxiety I have creates panic and the panic I feel, I don’t always have control over.
Time alone is the only time my mind feels clear—a space to reflect, to make sense of things. Routine has always mattered, though I never understood why. As a child, it wasn’t obvious; life moved around me, things were done for me. But the moment I stepped into the world on my own, the cracks began to show.
Writing has helped me to piece my experiences and life together. I now understood my disability in the whole. When I look back, I can see my struggles around routines, sensory input, black and white thinking, repetitive routines and behaviour.
Growing up I didn’t understand. Decades passed and I still didn't know. How I got to this place is my struggle. Turning to my experiences – and what I was made to deal with, you don't get over those, you find a place."
Spending time alone is one of the few times where I feel like I can think straight without all the distractions that dealing with people can cause.
It has only taken me most of my life to begin to make sense of my life and the issues I have faced. I'm sure that it would make even more sense if I took the time to write everything down, since there are times when I find it hard to believe that the past really happened and my mind tries to block things out.
There are so many things that occurred that I haven't been able to get over that easily, but I know in time it will be possible, I'm hoping.
Thanks Randy. Yes, go whichever way is the best way for you to work through your issues. At the end of the day it's what works best for you.
I've been locked away in my own head and have been doing it since I was a small child. I also find writing things down helps me compartmentalise my thoughts and feelings.
It is important for us all to come to terms with what we get to deal with. I know that although I can't change my autism symptoms, writing about them, helps me acknowledge and come to terms with them.
I hope you continue to make sense of your life and your own issues Randy.
It must be difficult for you to have to continue to work through your symptoms this late in the day. You always do it with grace and optimism.
I still find it difficult to believe these are your experiences, but you're definitely getting there.
Thanks, I do my best. I wouldn't want others to have gone through my experiences, it's bad enough they were mine, but I do see the positives in having them.
I feel I am getting there. I've know I've come a long way.