"Although my experiences form the basis of my blog and without being able to draw on those there would potentially be no blog, my accomplishments can never make up for the trauma and neglect, I've had to go through over the years.

They never can, because the time scale is too long and those responsible haven’t accepted or apologised for their behaviour. Although my disability wasn’t something talked about, when I did eventually ask about it, I was told they didn't want to know. I was hoping that by writing and getting my thoughts out there and being able to understand why these had to be my experiences, I would feel much better about them. It's often what's left behind and the way in which it's left – that can leave us stuck.

I went into some very dark places, and I wouldn’t want others to go there around their experiences. It may sound like a cliche, and I'm sorry if it does – but if my writing can help others understand their own experiences, then my experiences won’t have been in vain. My writing helps to absorb some of the bitterness that comes with my experiences, so I can feel a little more neutral about them."

Ilana Estelle is a mental health and wellbeing advocate who combines educational insight with her personal experience of living with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities. She holds diplomas in Counselling, Diet and Nutrition, Nutritional Therapy, Psychotherapy and Counselling, and Stress Management. Through her writing, Ilana supports others in navigating their emotional, mental, and physical health challenges. In addition to writing for The CP Diary, her work has appeared in healthy lifestyle magazines. Ilana is also the author of three books: Cerebral Palsy: A Story – Finding the Calm After the Storm, Spirituality, Healing and Me, and Survival: The Covid Years – Time for Change.

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2 comments on “My Accomplishments don't Compensate”

  1. I can understand why your achievements are no compensation for the wrongs you have suffered and I don't think you have to feel any guilt about that.

    With the help of your blogs, it may be that your feelings mellow in time as you find a place for them. Without your experiences you wouldn't be helping so many people, in the way that you do.

    1. Thanks. Yes, I always try to reconcile the fact that my blogs do help me and so many other people too.

      I wish I did feel some sort of recompense about that. It would make my experiences much easier. I am glad I have come to a conclusion. That in a way is a weight off my mind.

      I agree with you that I have nothing to feel guilty about. It's up to others to reconcile for themselves.

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