My thoughts on my experiences, cerebral palsy, autism symptoms, the neglect and how I got to this place may never leave me.
But I am determined to see all my experiences as positive. They can never right a wrong because there are simply too many, but I need to place each conversation, circumstance, judgment and experience so those don’t haunt me.
And for as many times as I have been judged, as many times again I have had to pick myself back up and reinvent myself. It was wrong for others not to say anything. It’s not something easily forgotten, because it went on for far too long.
What's important is I got to change my history, I didn’t give up, I found a way to work through my trauma and I have become stronger. I choose to look at my experiences to see what they've given me, rather than look at what I have lost.
My symptoms are a part of me and those can never change. It is who I am. Others need to accept it is who I am. It is a help for me to be able to articulate and write.
It would be great not to have those thoughts and memories constantly churning in my mind.
People keep telling me that I should talk more about what's going on with me and in my head, but that's usually opening a door that I struggle every day to keep closed. I get sick and tired of thinking about those things.
They say in AA that 'we should not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it,' which is great in theory but not always so easy to do in your own mind.
Following your blog has helped me tremendously but there is still a lot that needs to come out in my own writing, which requires privacy which I don't have a lot of now.
Yes, it is absolutely great that we do have the chance to change history, at least as far as the future is concerned. I'm sure there are a lot of other people out there who have suffered through similar experiences, who would benefit from us sharing our experiences, so they know that they are not alone.
I have been to funerals lately of very young people who aren't getting the help they need and it is truly such a shame. I know I didn't struggle to get this many years of sobriety, just to stand by and do nothing while this current drug epidemic is pretty much killing off a generation of people who don't have to die.
My experience can benefit others where others can't, seeing as it takes an addict to know one. I'll be happy to know that I saved at least one life, besides my own, in my life.
Thanks Randy. Talking about what we deal with is the most important thing we can do for ourselves.
Even as a small child I was always trying to talk about my physical difficulties. Subconsciously I always knew how important it was.
I find it sad that you've been to funerals of very young people who didn't get the help they needed and couldn't agree with you that it is such a shame. With the help I am sure they'd still be here.
Given your own struggles Randy, you are absolutely an amazing advocate for other people. Keep doing what you're doing.