"It's another personal blog because this was on my mind. My parents never talked emotionally about things, which meant I missed out on the opportunity for me to be able to process my feelings.
Even with autism, with the right input you can talk about how you feel. As the adult, I have had to start at the beginning to talk about the things that matter to me. Now with an autism diagnosis, I have the understanding why issues can blow up. Unless something becomes obvious and I have an answer straight away, those issues can be scary and a challenge to work through.
I try to think about what I feel, to see if I can rationale what I'm thinking, because I know I don’t sit well with discomfort, but I need to be able to change the thought process that comes with the discomfort, so I am able to panic less.
‘To accept’ something is to shift that thing. Accepting we feel what we feel, is the first step towards working through any process. For me it’s not about resisting the feeling, because I know the feelings are there. I need to be able to deal with those feelings.
As I begin to accept and own my feelings without a need for me to fix or judge myself, as a child I was too harsh on myself. Looking back now, my now-disability was never about me, but others ignoring and making it about me, instead."
People occasionally ask me how I'm feeling, but most of the time I don't really know.
My parents never encouraged me to think about my own feelings, seeing as I was supposed to focus on their feelings and what I could do to make them happy.
It wasn't fair to me and one of the many reasons I have been so screwed up as an adult. They never allowed me to accept and/or process my own feelings, so it's no wonder I end up feeling quite numb more often than not.
Trying to figure this all out as an adult has been extremely difficult and complicated, but I know it can be done. It may take me the rest of my life to make some sense out of things but I'm hoping and praying for the best.
Thanks Randy. Feelings aren't always easy to navigate even with the right childhood, but made all the more complicated and difficult when there are problems. I believe you'll figure it all out.
For whatever reason, our lives turn out the way it's supposed to. It is always harder to question that and come out with the answers we want, than it is to find an acceptance, understand and know we can change certain things and not others.
We also spend a lifetime trying to rewrite history and that can never work, but as long as we can articulate our feelings, we will go on to change new things in our future.