I don't normally do two personal blogs back to back, but felt I needed further clarification on my medical records.
I have become slightly agitated and angry at what I'm looking at, but it also doesn’t surprise me that there are gaps in my medical records between 1965 (the year I was originally diagnosed with Spastic Monoparesis) and 1977. In 1988, I was finally signed off at the age of 25.
In my last consultation with a new consultant before finally being signed off, I was diagnosed with non-structural scoliosis, which happens because of a difference in leg length, so that would be correct. The point is that I am able to fill in the missing gaps on the years where there is no paperwork.
I don't understand why there are no records of my consultations between 1965 and 1977 because I had annual consultations in February with the same consultants until the age of 15. It is clear from the notes, Doctors weren’t responsible for a lack of mediation in those consultations, but that as soon as we left the consulting rooms, the trail went dead.
Apart from my mandatory yearly check-ups (which bizarrely aren’t in my records) my neurological symptoms and emotional issues were ignored. The Doctors gave up trying because my father wasn’t interested. From my own recollections, where the doctors were treating me for mental retardation (learning difficulties) they wanted my father to observe me in school to make sure that I wasn't falling behind with my school work.
It is obvious I slipped through the net completely, because my father chose to ignore my struggles. It is clear the system let me down for not insisting my father come back in and deal with my disability and my father, for using the fact that my disability was mild enough to ignore my mental and emotional needs.
Since being diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy at the age of 46 and now with an MRI scan and a few consultations under my belt, I can piece my symptoms and life together, helping me to understand 'me' and why I present a certain way.
I have no recordings or explanations of my struggles or consultations throughout those years. From the very little notes, it will be left up to me to piece my physical, mental and emotional disability together.
I cannot believe you do not have the missing 23 years of medical records and I suspect will never know the true reason why. You at least deserved to have the full picture and it saddens me that you have had to struggle for so long with this.
Nevertheless your integrity and composure are wonderful examples to us all, in-spite of all the crap you've endured and continues to be a guiding beacon.
Thanks. Yes, throughout my life I have stayed composed. Perhaps that's because I never really understood what was happening and believed things would change.
As children, we trust and believe that our parents and our families have our backs. We don't stop to question or think about that. It's only later on when we look back and see how our lives have turned out that we realise the enormity of what we've had to endure.
I'm not happy of course, but I can't do anything about it. It doesn't change what I know, or what I've had to work through. It also doesn't change those responsible and accountable, but it does give me a clearer picture and understanding.
It's always easier to bring acceptance with an understanding. However hard and upsetting, I feel it's important we come to see the bigger picture.
It is a very hard fact to come to terms with the fact that your parents knew about your condition, but chose to ignore it.
There isn't any excusable reason for putting your child through this, when they could have just as easily gotten the help they needed. I'm guessing that it was your dad who made the rules in the house and your mother just passively went along with them.
In my case the opposite was true, where my mom made the rules and my dad just went along with it, but the results would be very similar. Everything was all about her and her problems, which I would have to say were mostly psychosomatic and because of her being such a hypochondriac along with wanting all the attention.
She always focused on her own issues and it was pretty much like we didn't exist. The harsh reality is that neither one of us got what we needed as kids.
We were forced to believe that we didn't have any problems even though the signs were pretty obvious, unless you chose to ignore them like they did. It explains why I have ended up with such mommy issues and been able to basically ignore the signs that I was getting involved with a woman who was kind of bat-shit crazy, from the beginning.
Here it is almost 12 years later and nothing much has changed, other than trying to figure out a way to escape in the least painful way possible. I have to focus on dealing with my own issues, seeing as there are a few I have been actually avoiding for a very long time that I didn't want to admit to.
It's time for me to finally move on, since both my parents are finally dead and my daughter needs me to be her daddy to guide her through what she is going through.
It does just suck that our parents didn't do the same for us.
Thanks Randy. You always make me feel better, knowing that I'm not alone.
Not that I'd want you to struggle either. It just reinforces what we've had to deal with, but knowing we're not alone is a comfort.
It seems easier to avoid issues, but sadly issues are never far away, no matter how long we think we can avoid our issues. The hard part for any child is to know that the trust element has been broken by their parents.
It's made all the harder of course, by not having the information and support that can help us move on. Perhaps on our part we're in denial, or perhaps it's just difficult to comprehend that parents would wittingly choose to behave in this way.
I think the latter is true for me. I have chosen and I know you're trying Randy to move forward with your life. And you're right, your daughter needs you to guide her with what she deals with.
You get to put that right Randy, but it's too late for your parents to put it right for you, sadly.