Depending on what parents do to encourage sibling friendship, they will either leave a close loving family behind, when they’re gone, or they’ll leave a family that are distant, estranged and out of touch with each other.
Of course, during the bereavement period; siblings will be more vulnerable to the dynamics that play out. Siblings may not only find it hard to adjust individually, but may also find it hard to adjust together, as the reality of what they’re dealing with hits home.
On the part of a parent, their support in the early years is imperative, if their children are to have a chance of a relationship together long after they've gone.
My sister and I were close but not so close if you know what I mean. We had our own separate friends and did our own things. We were different.
I was a wild child, had no direction in my life, had street smarts, but academically I was a mediocre student making average grades, failing at some. My sister was very smart, excelling at all subjects in school. She was outgoing, a cheerleader and went on to college and got her masters degree.
Our parents did treat us differently. I was always watched over and protected more because of my illness, where as my sister was allowed more freedom and involved more with friends. We would argue about the normal stuff siblings argue about.
Now we are close and love each other very much, but there is that tension still between us and I believe a little jealousy with both of us. My sister has a perfect life in my eyes and I believe she sees me as still 'getting more than her' attention wise. Now I think she involves the children.
My mom sort of took over with my daughter and has given her everything she wants or needs and hasn't done that much for my sister's children, so there is that little bit of tension there because of this, but considering all of this, my sister and I are sisters and love each other and would do anything for each other.
We don't get to see each other as much as I would like mainly because she is so busy with her kids and other activities with her family. I do believe a lot of our problems stem from how my parents raised us.
We should have been treated as equals no matter that I had an illness.
You're absolutely right Lisa. Your parents have made a difference between you, which is why there is tension around your relationship and how you interact with each other. Unfortunately unless you address your relationship and make the necessary changes, you both may continue to struggle once your parents are gone.
I believe it's a sad reality for many of us, where parents constantly make a difference between their children for one reason or another. That impacts on our relationship when they are no longer around.
After my father passed, all four siblings experienced a very difficult adjustment period, because the link in the chain was broken. It took years to recover and come to some sense of normalcy.
Of course, it will never be the same and yes, we were distant and out of touch with each other. The sibling love and friendship was put to the test.
I guess individually, we had to deal with our feelings in our own separate ways.
I think you're right Tim, relationships with our siblings are very much put to the test when a parent dies.
I still believe though that with the right bonding, which starts in childhood will pull us through together as long as there is friendship.
Siblings have to have that so they can support each other through the bereavement process. Without it, their will be an element of struggle.
My brother and I were never close and never will be. It is just one of those things. We are very different as people. He is the total opposite of me.
I don't believe anyone is born that way. We're born with no traits. Unfortunately you have both been conditioned separately and which is why you're not close.
If you were close as children and you were encouraged to look out for each other, you would be close now. It's not to say you cannot achieve that now, but you both have to want to be close and change what is to what can be.
I am sure when the chips are down you would be there for each other. When we're put to the test it usually happens that way. On a daily footing not at all. Time will tell whether for you it happens that way.
My experience is the same as Randy's. I am and have never been close to either my brother or sister and don't imagine we ever will be. We are very, very different people and our parents never made any attempt at cultivating a relationship between us.
I guess it was a good lesson in how not to do it as a parent.
I agree, it was a very good lesson, how not to do it. Sad but a true reflection of parenting back then.
Thank you Brad.
That's what this site is all about Randy. It's great that you both resonate. Thanks.