The hardest thing for me is hearing the truth on how I got to this place. Now 11 years into my initial cerebral palsy diagnosis, there is one last piece of the jigsaw to add, that I couldn’t have foreseen or anticipated, without looking at my life in detail.
Dealing with the facts
Looking into what we deal with that we don’t even know about is hard, made harder when we learn the facts behind the deeds and come out with an altogether different thinking about those who were responsible for what we got to deal with growing up.
Trauma isn't comfortable
I don’t pave over the cracks, there is no point, instead, I see and understand the facts. Trauma never makes for comfortable reading, but it is perfectly doable, hard when you're looking at 5 decades of trauma. But we have to want to work through trauma.
Parents have to want to make a difference
As parents we have to want to make a difference for our children. I was aware of what my father thought, but I wasn’t aware of what mum thought until now. A child doesn’t ask to be born, but as parents we have to want to make a difference.
A parent and child relationship is central
Any parent’s relationship with their child is central to how they will cope in their life, but even more so a mum. They are predominately nurturers. If a child is supported throughout his or her early life, that child will grow up with happiness. When that doesn’t happen, mental and emotional struggles will ensue.
Parents have to want to care
But parents have to want to care about themselves first, before they can care about their children. As they say, we can all parent, but that doesn’t make us good parents.
It would have been great to have a nurturing mother like most people do, but I didn't have one either, so I can definitely relate.
She had untreated mental health issues and was developmentally disabled, I would have to say she was more like a child. We ended up taking care of her and my father most of the time which was ridiculous.
It would have been fantastic if we would have had more normal parents, but they were definitely not, so we have had to deal with many emotional scars.
You have been able to write your own book which is something I should work on, which will bring peace to my life too.
Thanks Randy. I'm sorry to hear about your mum's mental health problems. It must have been difficult for you growing up.
Although it was difficult, to be able to pinpoint the issues your mum had is good. I am pleased you are able to do that.
And whilst it's not an excuse for the life you've had and what you've had to deal, it does bring an element of understanding into the equation.
From my own experiences, I know how difficult emotional scars are to shift, particularly when circumstances stay the same, but I also know that once we bring about understanding, we can heal and move forward with our lives.
We all have the right to find and have peace. Finally putting what you've been through behind you, would be good for you too.
As a parent, you have evolved as a mother of insight with urgency, because you want your seeds to mature without resentment and suffering.
By your children observing your wisdom in parenting, your grandchildren will be as awesome as you are. That is your legacy Ilana, you've earned it.
Yes, it's not always easy to know how or what children think about their parents, or whether as parents they got the parenting thing right.
When someone else tells you that, they reaffirmation what you hope is true. I am humbled by your words. Thank you.