It's been 9 months since the loss of my twin and out of the 9th months she's been gone, 7 of those months have been taken up with illness.

Not everyone will want to hear about your struggles, but we all go through loss, denial isn’t good and the truth helps. It helps you to see your life in a whole new perspective, because you’re being honest with yourself. Since my twin died, my health has declined. There is no doubt I have struggled physically, mentally and emotionally.

My health has taken a dive

The tight mouth ligament, the teeth issues, and facial pain are my struggle with loss. I am affected by her loss and my health has taken a dive. I am currently having acupuncture to help with the ligament issue, to try to get well again.

Feeling disconnected and poorly

I don’t feel like me. I sometimes have trouble finding sleep. Life feels blurry. Although I’m not struggling with panic attacks, in the evening, my mental health can spiral and a sense of hopelessness comes over me.

I have lost my twin identity. In the early days of my twin’s death, I had troubling sleeping. Adopting a dog has helped, but losing my twin in the pandemic, has added to my health struggles. These are scary times for me without her.

Although my twin and I may be physically apart, we will always stay connected.

Ilana Estelle is a mental health and wellbeing advocate who combines educational insight with her personal experience of living with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities. She holds diplomas in Counselling, Diet and Nutrition, Nutritional Therapy, Psychotherapy and Counselling, and Stress Management. Through her writing, Ilana supports others in navigating their emotional, mental, and physical health challenges. In addition to writing for The CP Diary, her work has appeared in healthy lifestyle magazines. Ilana is also the author of three books: Cerebral Palsy: A Story – Finding the Calm After the Storm, Spirituality, Healing and Me, and Survival: The Covid Years – Time for Change.

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2 comments on “The Loss of my Twin”

  1. It's been hard reading your struggles and how losing Sheila, your twin has affected you. No parting is easy, I should think a twin parting is a lot more difficult.

    We never know how we will cope with grief and I know from my own experience of losing a parent at a young age, the feelings can be overwhelming.

    In time you will find a place for those feelings, but talking about the experience here is good for you and also for us. We can cage a lot from your insight.

    Also, sharing your thoughts means you are not alone with them.

    1. It is. It never goes away. Writing as definitely helped me place things better in the short term. I'm glad my writing helps. Losing a parent at a young age is difficult, and without the understanding that difficulty continues, until you're able to just let go.

      I do think family can be instrumental in the grieving process. Sadly that doesn't happen, not everyone copes with death. For me, it's simply the closing of one door and the opening of another. I hope my explanation cottons on.

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