Since I started my blog 9 years ago, it has been important for me to become acquainted with cerebral palsy and autism – my symptoms, to fully understand what I deal with – and to be able to place each symptom. It is also important that I am able to place the symptoms that are part of cerebral palsy and the symptoms that are part of autism, so that I have the whole picture.
Cerebral Palsy
As far as I am aware, cerebral palsy is responsible for my physical impairments. Through cerebral palsy, I have a leg length shortening, a footdrop and as a result of a leg-shortening have scoliosis. I have muscle weakness down my left side. My brain damage has also affected my emotional abilities.
Autism and Anxiety
Through autism I have hypersensitivity to sight, sounds, smells, touch, balance and some body awareness issues, such as navigating rooms and avoiding obstructions. It is the reason for my affected senses and learning difficulties. I have difficulty in processing every day sensory information through autism. My senses are over sensitive – both are evident at different times.
Sensory Issues
My sensory issues have always had a profound effect on my life, even as a child. My intensive behaviour is linked to sensory sensitivities. Anxiety is as a result of autism, sensory and information overload. I deal with stress, because I deal with sensory and information overload. When I have too much information to process at once I shut off. I struggle with co-ordination, multi-tasking and motivation, which are part of autism too.
It can be difficult to make sense of it all, when a lot of it doesn't make any sense. I have spent most of my life trying to figure out how to deal with my issues and I still feel like I don't fully understand any of my issues at all.
I have a hard enough time focusing on just one thing at a time, let alone trying to focus on several things at once. People act like it's easy to 'just get over our issues' but they won't have a clue because they don't have to deal with any of them.
They also tend to think we choose to be the way we are, when nobody in their right mind would want to exist this way.
My main goal at this point is to try to reach those people who don't have a clue, and to help them better understand what we have to deal with.
In everyone's defence we all deal with something. Other people may not think we understand what they deal with and the battles continue. No one can just get on with what they deal with, without the tools. That's where I feel my writing comes in.
Through writing and researching into my symptoms and what I deal with, I now have a new understanding that has brought about a different thought process. It helps me understand how I should cope.
I hope that helps you too. All you can do is try to understand your own life, what you've been given and what the whole picture is for you.
You've come a long way, never turning sour towards your ambitions, even when people and your health betrayed you. It's a different world from your side of the fence, but still you rise.
They must have made you from the toughest material, Ilana.
Thanks Tim. That's kind. My inner thoughts saved me from giving up. We're all made of the 'toughest material.' When we have to, we come back fighting, it's what the human spirit does.
Not knowing made me even more determined, because I knew in my heart something wasn't right and I had a right to know about my disability. It was an unconscious decision to carry on, but consciously I didn't always understand, but I knew I couldn't give up.
I became my own emotional support because it became clear I had none. I believe that as long as we follow the universal code, we will be looked after.
I was aware of something bigger than me pulling me along, telling me I couldn't and mustn't give up. That I wasn't done.
It's taken a very long time for you to discover you, but as you write, you finally have the whole picture. You should never have been put into such a position, but your journey has proved your qualities of compassion, empathy and understanding.
I firmly believe your path was set out for you to show others the way on their journeys.
Thank you. Yes, I also believe it was meant to happen for the exact same reason. I find it incredibly irritating this was my life.
I've had to fumble in the dark for so long without others even caring, but instead of honing in on that I simply choose to find comfort in my writing.
I get to help other people and I love that.