“How do you stay optimistic with all that’s happening in the world?” It's a question I've been asked many times.
I have always been positive, I’m not sure I would call myself optimistic. My exterior comes with deep internal conflicts. Internal conflicts that started as far back as a child, with a disability I didn't know I had.
Difficult circumstances and emotional pain
Even through difficult experiences and in emotional pain, I always thought I should have a positive outlook. Being positive saved me, but it is important to continue to be positive, because without it, your mental health can change.
But I've never been free of emotional conflict. It's why when I first got my cerebral palsy diagnosis, I decided to start a blog and The CP Diary was born. This blog explains why the cup isn't always half full. It can't be. Depending on our circumstances the cup half full, can always change to half empty.
Deep Internal Conflicts
If you know my story, you'll know I’ve had a lot of things to contend with. Also, having lost my mother to cancer 16 years ago in 2007, losing my father 10 years ago in 2013, the UK calling time on their relationship with the EU, David Cameron calling the 2016 referendum, then the pandemic. On top of all that I caught Covid in November 2022, then through my twin's trauma and mental health issues, I lost her on the 10th December 2022, while still recovering from Covid, so I never got to say goodbye to her. That’s a lot of internal conflict and grief to deal with. I've struggled my way through all of it.
The words don't always flow freely
With all that to have to deal with, around my writing, I can find myself stuck, the words don't always flow freely. Luckily, I write in advance, so I have blogs to call on. Truthfully, I've been struggling for months, since my twin died. For anyone following my blog, they may have noticed I put more feature page quotes out in those times, so that I can deal with my mental health.
With the blog you get to see a different side of me. In my personal life and with autism, I struggle daily to block out the noise. Dealing with losing my twin, it's also become harder for me to block the noise out. This is me 'laid bare'.
Plunging into more anxiety, mayhem and darkness
A few scrolls on social media apps to get my writing out and I am plunged into more anxiety and darkness. But I write, because not to would put me into a worse mental space. The noise I talk about, would simply go on around me instead. In the 10 months since I lost my twin, I wake up and struggle to motivate myself. I can't believe she's gone. Some days I’m not even dressed by lunch time. But that's okay, I'm being kind to myself.
Trying to find my voice
There is no doubt, I've been plunged into darkness. There is no doubt, social media, has also been plunged into mayhem and darkness. The darkness I talk about doesn't just affect me, we’re all affected by the darkness of politics, of our time. I appreciate what I write may not rest comfortably, but you would do well to prep. Not to prep, can plunge you into darkness when you least expect and are ill prepared. Shit doesn't not happen because we choose to ignore it's going on.
Don't judge a book by its cover
My personal life is far from rosy as my words, or my blog. I struggle and continue to struggle, but I continue to do my best so that others can feel better about what they deal with. We are all affected by mental health.
Doing my best to inspire others
The topics I write about affect all of us. We’re all suffering from inflation, cost of living crisis, businesses in dire straits, shops on the high street closed, jobs disappearing. We’re afraid of the future of what is to come. We all have reason to be. We can try to be the light in the dark.
As I continue to carry on with my writing, on my blog, I do my best to help explain, inform, give hope through explanations and also to inspire. I continue to be open, honest and transparent. I hope you will continue to support.
For Sheila.
