There are moments in life when you look backwards rather than forwards. With the life I've lived, I now find myself re-examining my childhood and adulthood through a different lens.
For years, I didn't question anything; and it wouldn't have helped. Decisions were made, and I followed the expected path. Only much later did I begin to understand how little opportunity I'd had to get to know myself.
Learning later in life that I had cerebral palsy changed the way I understood my early challenges. Experiences I had seen as personal shortcomings suddenly made sense. Ten years later, discovering I was also autistic added another layer of understanding. I now realise that I spent my whole life trying to meet other people's expectations without understanding why it was something I could never achieve. My parents were aware. The road map for making sense of it all came decades later.
Throughout my childhood and into adulthood, there were few opportunities for me to make decisions for myself because my life had already been mapped out through helicopter parenting. As a result, I've had to discover who I am while learning how to be independent. That journey has come at a cost, one I'm still paying decades later.
Growing up I wasn't expected to succeed or have a career. I was simply expected to follow a conventional path into marriage and family life. I was aware a career wasn't part of that equation, and I wasn't in a position to disagree or argue. The idea of building a career that gave me confidence, offering stability and financial independence wasn't part of the life that had been mapped out for me. It wasn't something discussed; therefore it wasn't something to be changed.
As a child, I could never have imagined writing would become such an important part of my life. What began as a way of making sense of my experiences after learning later in life that I had been diagnosed with cerebral palsy as a child has gradually evolved into the career I have chosen to pursue, giving me a sense of purpose every day. It offered me something I had never experienced before: a space where I could explore my experiences honestly. Through writing, I have found a way to learn about myself and to understand my past without becoming trapped by it.
My life has continually brought profound loss and hardships, not just physical loss. But losing my twin has changed my world in ways that are difficult to describe. Now alongside ongoing health challenges, it has forced me to reconsider how I approach daily life.
I cannot change the decisions that were made for me, nor can I rewrite my history or what happened to me. But what I can do is continue to learn about myself and write honestly about what I've come to understand. If sharing these reflections helps even one person feel less alone, or encourages someone to start asking questions about their own life, then what I write will have been worthwhile.
Sometimes the greatest discovery is not the diagnosis itself, but the understanding that it's never too late to learn about yourself and begin living your life more authentically. Without that understanding, living authentically can feel out of reach.
This is how I've come to understand my own life. These reflections are rooted in my lived experience and the meaning I've found in it.
