Growing up, I was never encouraged to think for myself, let alone how to look after myself. It took me many years to understand my situation. I didn’t have control over something I didn't know I was dealing with, my decisions, or my life. I still believed my circumstances would change, I was banking on it.
My anger was tied into 'a non-disability'
My anger was tied into a disability I didn’t know I had. I was too young to make the connections or the link between my physical, mental and emotional problems and my anger. You don't as a child.
Taking back control
Taking back control at 46, through what I later learned was a disability, gave me control, but it would go on to take me another 10 years to understand everything I needed to know about my mental and emotional disability, through my cerebral palsy diagnosis. I had very little to work from. Through mum's words on a terminal illness, 'It was a difficult birth' I was able to take back control.
We can have control
We can have control, but we need to take our first steps. By us changing the way we see things, we can change the influences, how we see our problems. When we do, those problems can finally come within our reach and we can have control.
I am sure most people think of me as a man in total control, but that's not always the case. Observers do not see anxiety walking in my blood.
Part of my problem is that I believe my mind too much, which can be my worst enemy.
Thanks Tim. If and when you use your intuition Tim, believe what you're being told. Just be careful not to overthink what you tell yourself.
Through many of your responses to my blogs, I believe you do have control. The problem is the conditioning. We don't always have control over that.
I believe it's important we rethink what we're told, what we go on to believe, what is passed down from our parents and their parents before them.
Those are the things we must sometimes question.
It also took me a very long time to realize that I can have control over my own life, especially as I wasn't allowed to have control over my own life as a child.
My mother went out of her way to brainwash me to do everything she told me, so I never really knew the difference. Eventually we learned that she had what I came to believe was Munchausen's syndrome which made so much sense.
It doesn't change the fact that she pretty much destroyed my life, but it does allow me to at least try to forgive her after the issues that I have had to deal with. People expect you to just completely forgive your parents because they are your parents but I haven't been able to do that.
If I can get used to the fact that I have control over my life, things would be so great. It was only last year that I finally realized how much control I have over my life and decided to do something about it.
It cost me everything that I considered worthwhile, but it was worth it considering how much have things have changed since. I have gotten to the point of learning how to do so many things on my own, but never had the self-confidence to do them.
Hopefully I can keep up the momentum and get the things done that I have always wanted to do.
You're in the driving seat Randy. I think the universe and your parents will understand your reasons for non-forgiveness.
Although they may not be completely changed in spirit, they will become better versions of themselves the other side of life, to how they were here.
That said, in the context of the life you've had, I think you now understand your life and you now have free reign to change it.
I think you have come a long way Randy. It's not always easy early childhood conditioned patterns. I think you should be proud of yourself.