It's a huge void not knowing who you are. It's why I started The CP Diary and why it still exists. But when you grow up and you have no idea who you are and what you deal with, writing about what you deal with is a choice you unconsciously know you will eventually have to take. The secrecy and deception of what I've had to deal with never goes away – also because there has been no apology that the neglect and trauma never goes away. An apology would have paved the way for an easier ride.

Nature is My 'Spiritual Home'

Nature has always been my spiritual home, a place of peace and reflection. The natural cycle of decay and renewal of trees, presents a powerful analogy for me. The natural cycle of trees, shedding their leaves in preparation for renewal, offers a powerful analogy for my journey. Just as trees release what no longer serves them, I need to do the same. Growth comes through letting go, trusting that just as the trees in spring blossom again.

Embracing the 'Spirit of the Tree'

Imagine how much lighter we would all feel, if we learned to embrace the spirit of the tree, when it sheds its leaves. Letting go of anything creates space for healthier communications and connections. Abandoning negative experiences and thought patterns helps to redirect energy towards new possibilities with a clearer mind.

Inviting Fresh Possibilities

Following the tree analogy, when we shed what no longer serves us, we invite fresh possibilities, ideas, and relationships into our lives. By shedding the weight of negativity, we harness new energy – directing it towards personal growth and renewal. I didn't even get a non-apology. A non-apology might sound like an admission of fault because it may often include words that suggest regret or acknowledgement, but it's usually without actually taking responsibility. Phrases like "I'm sorry if you were offended," or "Mistakes were made," create the illusion of accountability while avoiding direct ownership of the wrongdoing.

This tactic shifts the focus away from the person who should be apologising and onto the recipient’s reaction. It gives the appearance of making amends, yet it lacks sincerity and the intent to change – a season might shift, but the underlying patterns remain. A non-apology lacks responsibility, accountability and change. It’s a shift in words, not a shift in substance and the cycle remains the same.

Conclusion

The absence of an apology towards what I had to deal with growing up around a disability I didn't know I had is still difficult to comprehend, because it spanned decades, but I am aware that to bounce back, I have to nurture my own growth and healing and to do that I need to continue to be resilient. I liken my scars – which serve as the rings of a tree – to symbols of wisdom and strength. With both my parents gone, for me it's too late for an apology. An apology means being contrite, sorry. It means apologising with sincerity. I didn't get either. None is ideal, but moving forward, I need to be able to thrive.

I'm still working on the 'thriving bit'. For those who know my story, without a conversation it's still difficult to get past. A conversation without an apology would have been easier. Who doesn't know they deal with a physical and mental disability?