The less visible an impairment is, the more likely others are to attribute the resulting behaviour to moral defects rather than impairment – increasing blame-based stigma. Invisible disability, hidden neurodivergence, mild autism and mild ADHD, means people assume it's character, not impairment.
This is what it is like to live with a disability with neurodivergent traits where there is little to no understanding of presenting behaviour. (Source: Goffman. 1963 – classic stigma theory).
With a disability that presents invisibly – your childhood experiences, trauma responses, and masking behaviours shape how you learn to survive. We adapt as best we can. This is not excuse-making. It is fact. This is what happens when you grow up with unrecognised executive dysfunction, and sensory overload. This is 'my story'.
For us it is not about accountability for the past. But when it comes to invisible disabilities and neurodivergent coping patterns, there has to be accountability for how others treat us. People may never fully grasp the reasons behind the way we present ourselves, but they should at least know we would choose differently if we had a choice. We should not feel guilty for surviving and living with something nobody else would want for themselves. And yet that is what many of us are forced to do in an able-bodied world. What matters for us is moving forward with knowledge, with compassion for ourselves, and self-advocacy in disability inclusion.
When no one says anything openly, relationships become strained. No one directly blames, but the tension is always there underneath. There is an awkwardness, a distance – an unspoken silence. It becomes unconscious. That strain comes from years of misunderstanding – the misunderstanding that comes from invisible neurodivergence, and internalised stigma. There is no excuse.
When the disability is not obvious, or known, and people assume you have the same ability as everyone else. They judge through that belief. For those with an un-diagnosed disability, particularly a mental disability – understanding is how we come to terms with our disability and how that shapes our past. But this is not about excusing harm or bad behaviour, it's about others choosing to correct the story. I have chosen to correct my story, through awareness, self-education, writing and re-framing my history with context and of the truth. My mind may sometimes go go blank – and I can’t find the words, even though I know exactly what I want to say.
The truth is I have struggled not only with a hidden disability I didn't know about, but with others standing in judgment on how I present and my lack of abilities. It's happened throughout my life. Even when it wasn't known and I don't look disabled, I was being judged for being incapable, awkward, stubborn, lazy, argumentative, angry and slow.
From an early age it became clear that I didn’t have a choice – I had to become my own advocate. Over the years, I learned to speak up, challenge assumptions, and correct the record. I’m writing this to set things straight, in my own words, with the experiences I have lived – not the assumptions others made about me.
When others see a broken leg, when others can see you're disabled, they lavish you with empathy and understanding. For those like me who don't fall into the disabled category, we play catch up every day, with a disability you can't see.
But the future is our opportunity, to set out our stall. Those who care will never judge, give you a hard time, or judge your limitations and make those about you. They will accept you for you. You are you and that counts. For those with an un-diagnosed mental disability, your future is an opportunity to understand, and to rid yourself of other people’s judgment and guilt.
