We’re quite happy to point out other people’s faults, but will conveniently fail to acknowledge our own. It's always easier for us to ignore our behaviour, than it is for us to confront and then deal with our behaviour.
Failing to admit fault
We would rather confront or pick someone up on their behaviour instead. We’re not great at admitting we're at fault. We’re also biased by the narrative that goes on in our heads. And when confronted, we'll admit to nothing, but will still continue to blame others, even though subconsciously we know others aren't the reason for our bad behaviour.
When history and baggage gets in the way
We all have a history, we all have baggage that play its part, but we’re also in denial, and it is that which stops us from being open and honest with ourselves and those we need to be honest with.
As a general rule though, we should acknowledge and understand others' behaviour and our own if that is relevant. The irony is as we block out our presenting behaviour, we may fail to deal with 'how we are' and will continue to blame others.
It's not right to be on the other side of blame
It's not right to be on the other side of blame, when you're not to blame. It is important to work that out and not assume or think others are to blame without searching your own behaviour.
Yes, it's a lot easier to point out someone else's faults, rather than our own and blame them for all of our troubles.
However, like the AA expressions says, 'when you point at someone, you have 3 fingers pointing back at yourself' which usually means that you're pointing out the flaws in them that you actually see in yourself.
I was well trained in the art of placing blame on others for my problems by parents who did that, rather than facing their own demons. I am sure that's why turning 50 today, I still feel trapped in a relationship that might as well be a hostage situation, rather than do what I need to do to get out.
I need to work on getting past these behaviors and making sense of why it is that I keep making the same mistakes, so that I don't keep repeating them since I am running short on time.
Thanks Randy. Yes, the sins of the parents doesn't have to stay with the children. We must work to change those. Although this was your life, it doesn't have to be your life now.
Very wise words from the "AA." Perhaps you can use your birthday as a turning point to make the changes you need to make. It's never too late to start making sense of things, but we have to want things to make sense.
As we unconsciously continue to blame, there will always be reluctance for us to move on. That part isn't easy, but once we start taking control, and we start to want to make plans and we know what we're getting into, there should be very little reluctance.
Personally, I think making plans has to be the better option. However difficult it is to make plans, it's even more soul destroying being stuck in difficult relationships.
When I begin to sound different and feel different, I have a little chat with myself about my behavior, the universe is equally involved in that conversation.
But I'd rather not say what I'm really thinking sometimes.
Thanks Tim. Yes, you're spot on. Where you say, 'when I begin to sound different and feel different I have a little chat with myself about my behavior.'
More of us need to do that. But first and in some cases it's true, it's usually someone else's fault. It took me years to understand that my behaviour had nothing to do with me.
As the adult, I think we need to say more of the things we'd rather not say and that's where we're going wrong and as long as we say things in a conciliatory way, those things should be okay.
If they're not okay, then we're with the wrong people and it's probably time for us to move on.