This is my journey through emotional triggers, quiet strength, and learning to believe in myself. Growing up with something I didn’t know I had, meant facing up to the fact that I'd have to life with mental health challenges. Those challenges shaped every part of my life. Every day was a mental and emotional struggle. Adding to that now is the loss of my twin, and the path forward feels even harder; it's more challenging. 

Yet here I am: still standing, rebuilding, moving forward, trying to make a new life on my own terms.

Self-belief carries me. Even when my confidence has known to falter, my self-belief remains. It's quiet, it's not loud, or showy. It's the inner knowing that even though I may not always feel strong, there is a strength in me that is real and unshakable.

My upbringing didn’t nurture confidence. Instead, it left me with emotional triggers that I continually have to work on. Triggers that continue through situations I have little control over. I am lucky I have my writing. It's teaching me what I should have been taught all those years ago: that my voice matters – that no matter what, I need to sit with my truth.

Healing doesn’t always make itself obvious. Healing is a slow process that takes time and starting over isn’t easy. Doing it while working with triggers, navigating loss, and coming to terms with a mental disability, a changed life and without my twin, makes it even more complex. 

But self-belief continues to remind me:

  • I have survived every hard moment so far.
  • I am still learning.
  • I am building a new life, not by pretending the pain isn’t there, but by walking through it.
  • I don’t need to have full confidence.

Some days, everything feels heavy, other days I cope admirably, but my life is forever changed.

Ilana Estelle is a mental health and wellbeing advocate who combines educational insight with her personal experience of living with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities. She holds diplomas in Counselling, Diet and Nutrition, Nutritional Therapy, Psychotherapy and Counselling, and Stress Management. Through her writing, Ilana supports others in navigating their emotional, mental, and physical health challenges. In addition to writing for The CP Diary, her work has appeared in healthy lifestyle magazines. Ilana is also the author of three books: Cerebral Palsy: A Story – Finding the Calm After the Storm, Spirituality, Healing and Me, and Survival: The Covid Years – Time for Change.

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