Making Sense of What I Wasn't Told

Date 18 April 2026
Author Ilana Estelle
Where This Leaves Me The CP Diary will be 16 years old in May and for the first time I feel almost healed. It's a strange sentence to write, because my conscious hasn't caught up with how my unconscious sees it. But something ...
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When My Reaction Wasn't the Problem

Date 16 April 2026
Author Ilana Estelle
What Wasn't Mine to Carry I grew up angry. Not understanding why – leaning in and learning how to adjust to everything around me. Conflict didn’t look like resolution. It looked more like avoidance.What was said ...
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Living Inside A Story I Wasn't Part Of

Date 14 April 2026
Author Ilana Estelle
How Unspoken Narratives Shape Identity and Understanding This piece sits within The CP Diary. It's part of a longer process of setting down what was never mine to carry. It is something I have had to carry for decades ...
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Shaped by Expectations That Were Never Mine

Date 12 April 2026
Author Ilana Estelle
A Reflection on being Misunderstood and Learning What Was Mine to Keep We don’t just grow up with our own experiences – we grow up with the stories that surround us. Some are shaped by moments, some by ...
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Cerebral Palsy, Anxiety, Depression, Autism and Rock Bottom

Date 10 April 2026
Author Ilana Estelle
Growing up with Diagnoses, Misreading Difficulties as Failure, and Rebuilding Through Writing I hit rock bottom as a child, I just didn’t know I did. How many of us recognise when we are nearing or reaching rock ...
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What Was Never Ours to Hold

Date 8 April 2026
Author Ilana Estelle
On Growing Up Within Stories That Were Never Fully Mine We don’t just grow up with our own experiences – we grow up inside the stories that surround us. Some are shaped by moments, by things we were never fully ...
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Cerebral Palsy and Undiagnosed Autism

Date 6 April 2026
Author Ilana Estelle
Living Without Understanding I grew up with cerebral palsy. That was known. What wasn’t known was autism. I lived with both, but only one had a name. Growing up I didn’t know or have an explanation I could use. I didn't ...
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Where My Focus Goes

Date 4 April 2026
Author Ilana Estelle
Making Sense of a Life that Felt Harder Than it Needed To Be The hardest part for me, living with something I didn’t know I had, isn’t always what people think. If the shoe were on the other foot, I don’t believe anyone in my ...
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When Silence Is All You Were Taught

Date 1 April 2026
Author Ilana Estelle
Silence as a Learned Response, Not a Chosen One The silent treatment isn’t always a choice. Sometimes, it’s the only language someone knows. For many, silence didn’t begin in adulthood. It began much earlier ...
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What Becomes Clear After They're Gone

Date 28 March 2026
Author Ilana Estelle
Clarity After Loss: Seeing What Was Always There When people talk about losing someone they had a relationship with, they usually do it as though everything was intact. But that isn't always true. Sometimes, what changes after ...
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Living With What I Didn't Choose

Date 26 March 2026
Author Ilana Estelle
On Late Understanding, Trauma, and Their Impact One of the most difficult things I have had to come to terms with is the realisation that I have been living with a disability I didn’t know I had. I keep circling back to this, because ...
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Still My Own

Date 24 March 2026
Author Ilana Estelle
Before I Understood: And Without Autonomy These daily posts are part of an ongoing attempt to understand. I didn’t trade autonomy. Instead, I held onto it quietly, in the background. I learned to make myself small. I never ...
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