Watching someone close to you decline is difficult enough, not understanding their decline is harder. But even if you know and you slowly prepare yourself, preparation means nothing when reality hits and you’re there. I came across an article that shares some of my thoughts and feelings about what it feels like to lose a loved one.
My thoughts are below:
Losing someone causes a fundamental shift
Losing someone close, causes a fundamental shift, not only in that relationship, but in your thoughts and feelings towards your situation and towards that person. Being a twin, I lost the other part of myself. The twin-scenario although others may not see its importance or understand its connotations is real. I can’t speak for my twin, but I can speak for me.
I am still a 'twin'
Through thick and thin, through ups and downs, I was and am still a twin and although I am slowly adjusting to the ‘new climate’ I feel more vulnerable to the forces of the universe and less protective of the elements.
I have always been independent, part of having autism I guess, but my twin's loss is felt. I am still working through my existence without her, and where she once resided, there is a hole. Although my spiritual beliefs have paved the way for understanding, my loss has become the driving force for me to write more.
Losing someone can be a 'lead weight'
I have more fear than I had before. I feel as though I am dragging around a tonne of emotional and mental weight with no let up. Not all illness is talked about. Death isn’t spoken about; but it's inevitable, it can be ugly, it's part of life. It's not orderly. It is mostly ignored by society. Illness and a loved one’s untimely death are long. It’s laboured. It’s inevitable. It's scary. Those were scary times. How anyone copes with loss and grief depends on their understanding and having the full facts to work with.
There needs to be the support
But whatever your loss, grief should be processed in stages. The fundamental shift is real. For those grieving, our needs need to be supported, understood, there’s no pulling yourself together until you’re ready for it. For anyone touched by death, the tremors of the relationship will be there for years to come, whether you go through the grieving process or not.
Losing my family nearly broke me, scattering pieces of me all over the place. But to survive, I am not allowed to live there, but I do every single day.
The feeling of being disconnected, loss of identity, loneliness, the blocking of full access to being.
I know what you're dealing with, Ilana.
Thanks Tim. It's comforting to know that we are not alone. I am sorry for your loss and understand how you feel. I think it's okay to live there temporarily, it's how we work through loss and grief.
It is important to work through your experiences, to come to understand your relationship, it's something each of us should do. There is no wrong way to grieve, however you are able to find comfort in grief is okay.
I know that without the difficulties of the pandemic, I may not have felt my twin's loss as much. The difficulties of having to adapt without her in the pandemic, have made it harder for me to adjust to a single life.
Loss and failure in life comes around to each and every person, including myself.
I have learnt only you can make things better for yourself mentally and physically, if your willing to do it.
Thanks Megan and welcome to the site. Yes, you're right. The sad reality is that given the current climate, mental health is not something people are dealing with.
Loss and grief are just one element. Failure is another. Mental health issues can follow. But without good mental and emotional health, it will be hard to keep up on physical health.
Mental health is being ignored. But I have seen first hand what happens when mental health is ignored, having lost two close family members to cancer.
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