You thought it was you.
You didn’t understand the muscle tone issue
The leg length difference,
Or the foot drop,
Why heal toe was impossible, why stumbling was routine
Or why you’d constantly get cross.
Why walking was hard with no explanations.
People in the street would often look back, stand, stare and then move on.
All you knew – is that you moved differently,
Still you kept trying to keep up.
You didn’t know about sensory 'stuff'
that noise didn’t overwhelm everyone.
You didn’t know about the traffic jam in your head,
that most people weren’t this tired
from concentrating, from trying to keep up.
You learned to hide.
To be quiet when you weren’t sure.
To put on a brave face – to keep going,
even when your mind was tired.
And then, on two different occasions, 10 years apart,
you were given the words.
Cerebral palsy and Autism.
They didn’t fix anything,
but the diagnoses helped you start to make sense of things.
Of your life –
not without effort but with clarity.
I say again.
You weren’t lazy.
You weren’t broken.
You were carrying more than you needed to,
more than others would see.
You carried the guilt,
struggled with acceptance,
And failed to bring closure,
Those aren’t on you.
A heavy burden on small shoulders,
for any child.
It doesn't take away the pain,
of what’s gone.
Of what you had to deal with,
Looking back it wasn't okay.
But you know why and that matters.
– Ilana Estelle
