I remember struggling with my disability around a diagnosis I didn’t know I had. I remember my mental and emotional struggles, the visuals I didn't understand.
I also remember my irritations as if they had happened today. I remember my continued battles with anxiety, fear and noise, all the things that now tie me into autism. Those continued to eat into my childhood; I didn't have a childhood.
Now many years later and reminders around other outside influences, in 2021 and living in the UK, those issues continue to highlight my struggles with a mental and emotional disability and the sadness lingers. Some days, I want to hibernate, not from myself, but from the things that remind me of my experiences and struggles.
Spiritual Growth
How did I feel then as the child, now the adult? Through spiritual growth, I am more accepting on what I lived through. Writing has been a great healing platform for me, but the experiences and memories I guess will never fade completely. They don't.
As children, we expect those around us to have our backs and as children, we also need to have small manageable experiences for us to manage our realities as adults. That didn't happen.
Managing realities
It was important I was able to manage my realities. Learning to develop a positive sense of self helps us feel safe and secure in the world, as well as us having a sense of who we are and what our capabilities are.
Disappointments aren’t all bad because they help us learn to be more realistic. They help us to build on resilience and determination, as long as the disappointments aren't being piled on.
Managing disappointments
The key here is ‘manageable’. Too many disappointments and it's easy to think it is us; too many and it becomes harder for us to develop a more realistic view of ourselves. It is important not to feel overwhelmed.
Change comes with too many disappointments as disillusionment sets in. Of course, it is only when you begin to see the flaws where you should have had support that you begin to see how badly we’ve been let down.
Yes, I can see and understand why you revert back to your childhood memories, particularly because we're living in such uncertain times in Covid-19 and around your physical disability, you have your mental health to deal with.
Perhaps if more of us did look back at our own childhoods we could bring more understanding and closure in the same way you do.
But what amazes me the most, is that no matter what you continue to deal with around your own mental health, you continue to write about the things that matter to all of us and that helps us work around our own mental health.
Thank you. That's kind. Yes, writing and looking back on my childhood in the way I do helps me bring understanding and closure. Also, I know what I have been through, if my experiences can help others then I'm happy.
My writing is based on universal understanding is for others too. Yes they may be my experiences, but there's a beginning, middle and end to my thought process, so the reader has the full answer in front of them.