It is fair to say, that as a child I was never encouraged to think outside the box. Not knowing I had a disability kept me in the dark, later learning about my sensory issues made everything more difficult.
Those times were difficult, learning later about my sensory issues, made everything ten times worse – because I was always being judged on my non-abilities, particularly in school. I am lucky that through my writing, I can now recall and place my experiences.
An Early Memory
When I was a girl guide, camp was compulsory. I remember my twin and I being driven to the drop-off point and my stomach was already in knots. Even before I got on the coach, the whole idea of camp filled me with trepidation.
My twin faired better. On the other hand, I felt incredibly scared. I remember the feelings of panic, being completely out of my depth and in a new environment. I was homesick, but I also didn't know about sensory issues then. By tea time, those in charge had already called my parents for them to take me home.
Camp didn't Look or Feel Right
Camp didn’t look or feel right and I put it down to being homesick, because I had nothing else to go on, but it was more than that. It looked and felt different. The open spaces made everything feel and look scary. I can remember those feelings as if they were yesterday. They are the same feelings I get when I have to deal with new things.
Conclusion
Since my diagnosis and for the first time, I am now able to explain away and place my experiences with sensory issues.
Yes, I'm sure that it would have helped tremendously if you had have known about the Autism on top of everything else that you had to deal with.
My mother tried to stop me from making my own decisions and brainwashed me into being her emotional teddy bear to make her happy. What it did to me was make me the perfect people pleaser, who didn't feel right about making his own decisions, which has plagued me to this day.
I'm also guessing that being forced to do things like go to bible camp when we were kids, even though it was traumatising to me, left me with the idea that I wasn't allowed to control my own life.
This must be why at 50 years old, I'm trying to figure out how to run my own life and why I need to escape from a toxic relationship that I don't deserve to be trapped in.
Thanks Randy. Yes, it's a problem when parents control our lives, and we're still expected to pick up the pieces for ourselves.
Yes it would have been helpful for me to know about my Autism as a child, but like you, it wasn't how my story went, in the same way your story didn't work out the way it should have.
All you can do now is find an understanding on your experiences, so that you can move on and create the life you want to have.
I believe you are trying to figure out how to run your own life. Keep up the good work you're doing.
It's great that all of your experiences in your life are now making sense, but I have to say incredulous that you had to wait until now to put everything in its place.
Thankfully you wont ever have to question yourself ever again.
Thank you. Yes, I try not to think about that side for too long for obvious reasons, but feel I have become victorious. This should never have been a thing.
Although, it is clear I was never meant to know, I never gave up hope that one day I would. That was always my belief and how karma works.
Thankfully now I will never have to question myself again and that feels good.