"Writing about the past feels is stepping into a room I’ve closed the door on but never left behind. It does give me the chance to look at it all – the moments I wish I could rewrite with a better outcome. Sometimes, putting words to those memories gives them a shape I can understand. When I write, I’m interacting with my words, shaping those, but there is no end.
It’s not easy. There are times when writing feels like tearing open old wounds again. The more I try to explain the past, I realise how much the past is still there. It’s difficult to equate that my writing will never change the facts to my experiences over the years, or the deeds done. My words don’t undo all the harm. But they do help me understand how I got here.
Writing lets me intuitively create scenarios where I try not to be the victim of my past. It's not easy. But having the control is important. It reminds me that even though I can’t change the past, I can shape how much power it eventually has over me. The shadows span years, it's not always easy to do.
Given my life, there's nothing I can change because I didn't create those scenarios. Writing isn't something that will change those outcomes. But then I remind myself: writing is part of the process. It helps me to see things more clearly and that pushes me to try to move forward.
Writing doesn’t change the facts or the past, but it can help lighten the weight some. When we've been wronged without apologies it's not easy. That’s why I keep coming back to what's been done."
