When a parent or parents let their children down, it should give their children an insight into 'how not to do things.' On a child's part, they can never make up for, or change their experiences. It doesn’t right a wrong, nor does it change the status quo on their relationship with their parents. When parents let their children down – they will eventually equip their children with the tools to change things for themselves, when they have their own children.
Not an Excuse
But that is no excuse for parents not making the effort, or putting their children first. On a child's part, they should consciously make a point of not getting caught up in the whys and wherefore's of why a parent or parents have let us down, because those issues can keep you emotionally stuck. For years until I could work my circumstances out, I did spiral into the whys and wherefore's of why I wasn't told about something I later learned was a disability, but it was making me miserable and keeping me stuck.
Changing our Own Circumstances
As hard as it is, it's not an excuse for anyone who experiences trauma or neglect, negativity not to do anything about changing their own circumstances. Without changing anything, it means those experiences will play out in other circumstances.
Conclusion
Emotional issues are centred around mental health and mental health will eventually 'become a thing' when we continue to hone in on the injustice. Even though others had let me down through personal and long-term institutional failings, it was important I didn't let myself down. And in any case, life tends to work better and in our favour when we are able to create new experiences around positive change.
I never wanted to be anything like my parents considering how they were, but as much as I wanted to do things differently, I ended up becoming just like them and so much worse.
I have been stuck for such a long time by pretty much existing and repeating the same kind of day over and over again. It took me a long time to realize how much I had been torturing myself over things that were not my fault to begin with.
Instead of being mired in the past and dwelling on it so much, I need to focus on today and the future, on the few things that I can change.
I don't want to be one of those people in a nursing home who is so miserable and will end up dying all alone.
Randy, you're in the driving seat. With your parents gone, you can choose your life, both in the present and how you want your life to go in the future.
Start making mental notes on the things you want to change and begin to work through those changes. It doesn't matter how slow you go.
Small steps are significant because added together they go on to make bigger steps. Having been there myself I know how you feel, but it's important you give yourself that chance. Having read all of your responses over the years, you're nothing like your parents.
Where your parents couldn't admit their faults and didn't change anything for you or your siblings, you admit to yours and you try to put things right.
My parenting was non-existent as far as I can remember, so you might think I was let down but I was aware from a very young age that circumstances in my house were far from 'normal.'
I lived with a brother with emotional/mental issues, my grandmother and a generally corrosive atmosphere in the house. So I did my own thing, spent as much time as possible out of the house and as a result I wasn't really parented.
But that neglect was a good thing as my parents parenting of my siblings was pretty clueless. Instead, I grew up independent, self sufficient and confident, the opposite of my siblings.
Parents really seem to get it right, but as long as we try our best then we shouldn't have any remorse, even if our children don't see it that way.
Thank you. Yes, from your explanation of your childhood you did well. Although I would never condone neglect or abuse, you're right. In your case your parents did you a favour.
To have that kind of neglect happen and come out independent, self-sufficient and confident is excellent. It is clear that spending time away from your family had a positive impact and that it was the right thing for you to do.
Neglect and abuse tends to leave its mark, if it is allowed to continue. But it's not something we should continue for ourselves with our children.