No one knows what it takes for me to get up in the morning, to say hello to another day. As a general thought, we may assume we know and still may go on to give those people a hard time. I never told a bean.

Ignoring other people's success

We may also ignore the very things they have succeeded at because we can, because it suits us and because what they have achieved may irritate us, particularly if we haven't met with success.

My Story

I scraped through school, didn’t do well at college and came out with very little qualifications. When I initially started work, I was temporary, brought in by an agency and then made permanent, later learning it was because the partner’s secretary had walked out.

As the weeks and months continued, it soon became obvious why the partner's secretary had walked out. His secretary was a nightmare to work with. I was told I was middle class, and that his employees had complained about me. By his own admission, his employees were working class, but I was just being me, there was no class, just me. His class issues were evident, horrible, he was a horrible man.

I was treated differently

He treated me differently to all his other staff. He didn’t like me and was a bully. It was a temporary job that become permanent, made worse because I was told by my father that I wasn’t allowed to leave until I got another job. The nightmare job lasted for 18 months.

I sometimes worked on reception. The office was opposite a church with a crypt where the homeless would go to sleep for the night. The church also acted as a feeding station. When the weather was bad and if I was on reception, I had visitors from the crypt come see me. They would come in to dry off, when ‘the horrible man wasn’t in.' If they didn't know he was in, they would sometimes come in and they'd see him talking to his secretary.

The horrible man eventually used them as ammunition to get back at me and lied, telling me they had complained and asked me to go. All I know is that I was kind, I made the homeless feel comfortable, made them cups of tea and we chatted about things.

What it took for me to get up

But he didn’t know what it took for me to get up, to come to work. I was struggling with a disability I didn’t know I had. I was angry, irritated, and unhappy. It would take me another 41 years to work ‘me’ out.

Trying to fit in

Trying to fit into my life has always been commonplace. Continually being judged and misunderstood was also commonplace. Do you ever fit in with a mental illness? I don't think you do, but you live in hope others accept 'you' for you.

I still fail to fit in

Years on and I still try to fit it. The CP Diary is testament to the help I continue to give, through my books; through my royalties, I continue to selflessly help others. By buying one of my books you're helping to give back.

I’ve had to work for everything I have achieved. Nothing was ever handed to me on a plate and yet I continue to be judged. Success was never something I thought about let alone achieve, but it can come with judgment.

People should want to support

I’ve heard it said, we all have a right to be successful and although success isn’t a given, so long as you’re humbled by what you achieve, you’re still reaching out to help others and you are kind, others should be okay with that and should want to support.

As my story shows, I have not had it easy. It is wrong to judge. In what is now a divisive and divided world, we should all want to offer support and do what is right.

If you fancy reading either of my books, you can grab paperback and Kindle copies on Amazon, or through the following link https://linktr.ee/Ilana_Estelle