Feeling bad

Date 31 May 2015
Author Ilana Estelle
It helps that I can switch off when I need to, because it’s got me through some very difficult times, but it doesn’t come without its disadvantages. I switch when I am constantly being reminded of my neurological struggles so that I don’t have to feel bad or think about…
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Out of spite

Date 25 May 2015
Author Ilana Estelle
Food for thought: We spite because we’re that way inclined and it’s what we do. Someone has done it to us, so we don’t think twice about doing it to someone else. Whether we consciously or unconsciously do something to spite, we will never get away with it. Someone who…
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Inner-drive

Date 23 May 2015
Author Ilana Estelle
Living with impaired emotions through cerebral palsy means emotionally means I live with less motivation and inner-drive. Neurologically my emotions are impaired, which means I have very little motivation. Cerebral Palsy is one factor and with ...
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Being honest

Date 19 May 2015
Author Ilana Estelle
Only we know what we believe and if what we believe is the truth. Unless we’re void of truth because we’re mentally ill, we know if we’re lying to ourselves. Only we know what our values are and whether we stand and live by those values. We must be honest…
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The CP Diary is 5 today

Date 17 May 2015
Author Ilana Estelle
The CP Diary is 5 today. Over the last 5 years I have explored and deliberated my experiences to this point. It has been my soul-searching journey on a difficult past. It is now my intention to make the end ...
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Living our parents' lives

Date 13 May 2015
Author Ilana Estelle
Children will eventually reinforce their parents’ lives, unless they get to change the way they live. As a child, I was constantly being conditioned, but unless we’re allowed to make our own decisions, children will go on to live their parents’ lives. This is particularly true of cultured families. We’re…
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Intimidating feelings

Date 11 May 2015
Author Ilana Estelle
Intimidation is more about presence and looks than personality. We can walk into a room and feel intimidated by someone in the corner staring back at us. Their presence can make us feel like we don’t belong, long before they’ve even opened their mouth. Intimidating people stir up emotions within…
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We could never do more

Date 9 May 2015
Author Ilana Estelle
It’s easy to look back and re-write history, by convincing ourselves that we could have done more to change an outcome, but from a lifetime’s experience, there’s simply no need. We did what we could at the time. Emotionally we will always beat ourselves up when we continually convince ourselves…
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Our superficial lives

Date 7 May 2015
Author Ilana Estelle
When I was growing up, superficial wasn’t in our vocabulary, because we had a different outlook on family, on friends and because we conducted our lives differently. We grew up with a completely different attitude towards people and society. Unfortunately, with superficial anything on the surface is quicker and simpler…
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Dealing with a loss

Date 6 May 2015
Author Ilana Estelle
It is hard watching a loved one work through a terminal illness, only to see them lose their fight for life. I know because I’ve been through it. As reality sets in the feeling of hopelessness beds in as we continue to work through the days that lie ahead. As…
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A Reason

Date 5 May 2015
Author Ilana Estelle
I periodically tried to ask questions as a child about my physical problems and then in my twenties I became desperate for answers. But in view of my childhood and the lack of parental support, it would go on to take me another 25 years to find the answer on…
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Seeing past the flaws

Date 3 May 2015
Author Ilana Estelle
It’s fine when we’re level pegging. It’s fine when two people live the same lifestyle and achieve the same level of success. It’s also fine if we go through the same experiences, for both parties to sympathise for coming through those same experiences. We tend to respond differently when the…
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