It's not about control

Date 3 November 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
Dealing with sensory impairments means I overthink things, where things seem normal to everyone else. Wanting to know about things that will help settle my thoughts is never about control, or wanting to control other people’s decisions, it's about wanting myself settled. It’s about me being in control of my…
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My adult challenges

Date 30 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
Having significant neurological impairments where my emotions are mainly affected, means I can be immature. My neurological emotional impairments having stunted my emotional growth. Where our milestones help us understand and adapt to the next stage of our lives, I missed out on all mine. As a result, I haven’t…
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Feeling a fraud

Date 26 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
Watching George Michael’s ‘Freedom’ documentary drew me straight to my own set of circumstances and how I felt growing up without knowing about my disability and having to continually struggle. In one part of the documentary George talks about how hiding his sexuality made him feel fraudulent. My not knowing…
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My different world

Date 22 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
Because I deal with neurological impairments, all new circumstances are difficult, some of which I shy away from, some of which I go into with trepidation, anxiety and uncertainty, primarily because I have no choice. If my new circumstances don’t visually look or feel right, it’s easy for me to…
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Staying truthful & honest

Date 19 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
I don’t see the point of not being honest about our experiences. What we experience is what we experience. Not being honest or recounting our experiences differently, doesn’t help us. It also won’t change the experience or outcome. In some respects being honest can make life easier, potentially harder in…
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How we respond to my blog

Date 18 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
The CP Diary is my journey of self-discovery and the belief I have in myself. I continue to draw confidence as I continue to write. Although my blogs reinforce my own struggle through my experiences, they may also bring a different thought process for others depending on what they deal…
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An emotional vacuum

Date 16 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
No one’s childhood is perfect. I am sure when we all look back there will be something we weren’t happy with, or would like to have changed. Having lived in an emotional vacuum for some 46 years, it’s something I’m finding difficult to come to terms with. Out of all…
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Reaching out

Date 10 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
As a child, I tried to reach out, tried to find a voice around my physical and emotional issues, but sadly no one was listening. They didn't want to know. Families are better at dealing with disability, there is still a stigma around disability and society still hasn’t come far…
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My traffic jam

Date 7 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
Daily, the hardest thing I need to face is the traffic jam in my head. Thinking about going back into old situations can set alarm bells ringing at the mere thought. Telling myself things will be okay, doesn’t make those things okay. If I can't make things okay because I'm…
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Cerebral Palsy and Autism

Date 4 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
I am grateful that my blog allows me to explore and address my symptoms that I never had a diagnosis for. I am still having to work out some of my symptoms. There is research out there to suggest the link between Cerebral ...
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My version of normal

Date 2 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
I’ve had to make a conscious effort over the years not to carry over my parents’ issues to raise me as normal. As far as they were concerned I was the same as my siblings, so nothing was ever addressed. But the reality for me was that I wasn’t born…
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Humble beginnings

Date 29 September 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
We know and understand our background and roots, but we’re embarrassed, we choose to deny all knowledge, or that it was our existence. If more of us were more accepting of our roots, we’d be living better lives, communicating better and feeling better about family and about ourselves. Whilst we…
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