An emotional vacuum

Date 16 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
No one’s childhood is perfect. I am sure when we all look back there will be something we weren’t happy with, or would like to have changed. Having lived in an emotional vacuum for some 46 years, it’s something I’m finding difficult to come to terms with. Out of all…
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Reaching out

Date 10 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
As a child, I tried to reach out, tried to find a voice around my physical and emotional issues, but sadly no one was listening. They didn't want to know. Families are better at dealing with disability, there is still a stigma around disability and society still hasn’t come far…
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My traffic jam

Date 7 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
Daily, the hardest thing I need to face is the traffic jam in my head. Thinking about going back into old situations can set alarm bells ringing at the mere thought. Telling myself things will be okay, doesn’t make those things okay. If I can't make things okay because I'm…
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Cerebral Palsy and Autism

Date 4 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
I am grateful that my blog allows me to explore and address my symptoms that I never had a diagnosis for. I am still having to work out some of my symptoms. There is research out there to suggest the link between Cerebral ...
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My version of normal

Date 2 October 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
I’ve had to make a conscious effort over the years not to carry over my parents’ issues to raise me as normal. As far as they were concerned I was the same as my siblings, so nothing was ever addressed. But the reality for me was that I wasn’t born…
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Humble beginnings

Date 29 September 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
We know and understand our background and roots, but we’re embarrassed, we choose to deny all knowledge, or that it was our existence. If more of us were more accepting of our roots, we’d be living better lives, communicating better and feeling better about family and about ourselves. Whilst we…
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Sticks and stones

Date 26 September 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
As a child growing up with anger issues centred around my physical and emotional issues, it was easy for others to blame me for something they did. If like me growing up you got blamed and weren't always believed, it's possible that you would always continue to struggle. My mum…
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I was angry, not bitter

Date 22 September 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
The neglect, my emotional and physical difficulties and not knowing I had Cerebral Palsy made me angry as a child and years on I’m still having to work through my symptoms. If I wasn’t angry, I wouldn’t have been normal. My anger made me a scapegoat for everything. It was…
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A life reshaped by diagnosis

Date 21 September 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
Over the years I have documented about my physical and emotional difficulties since I started the Diary, but one of the things I go back to every time is living a life that wasn’t true. You can’t be true to yourself without knowing the truth about yourself. For 46 years…
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My Lifestyle Blog

Date 18 September 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
While each blog I write represents a new way of thinking, which moves me on to a new thought process, I can see how my blogs could leave us feeling overwhelmed, as there are 7 years of blogs to read through. There are a lot of blogs. Although a cerebral…
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Blanking things out

Date 12 September 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
Blanking something out doesn’t mean the thing we have blanked out didn’t happen. Sadly, we spend a lifetime blanking experiences and conversations out, so we don’t have to remember, as we continue to live in denial over those things. I have always seen things as they are and how I…
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Not knowing & guilt

Date 8 September 2017
Author Ilana Estelle
I enjoy watching programmes that make a difference to people who need help having their homes adapted to fit their conditions and for whatever reason can’t do this for themselves. The programme also helps those who come into a diagnosis late, who struggle to be able to help themselves and…
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